If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
