I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
