you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
