Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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