Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize