She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
