if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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