he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
this is an emotional support booty call
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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