I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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