So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
