a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize