I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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