i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
