So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He shit in the fireplace
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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