ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
