you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I need to calm my uterus...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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