took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Operation Purity has been aborted
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
