got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
