I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
