Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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