Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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