I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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