My first STD was from a foam party
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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