I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
