We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize