His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
