I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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