He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
