OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
