can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
