i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
