My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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