Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
