Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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