My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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