Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
