i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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