my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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