Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize