my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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