I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
