i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
