people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
