There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize