I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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