Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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