i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
