Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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