Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
