yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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