If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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