Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
