as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
