She is in my trunk
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
