girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hippo gnu deer
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
